Monday, December 3, 2012

Radvent, Day 1: Knowing

What do I know for sure today? Let's go with a random, rag-tag list since I'm good at lists.

1) I know I'm woefully bad at getting started. At anything, really-- writing, knitting any of the dozens of projects I have queued up on Ravelry (I don't think I've knit in a year actually, yet I continue to linger over adorable patterns), working on a birth scrapbook, getting doughs together to freeze for future pizzas or pies. This isn't all that different from last year. I've been a procrastinator for a long time. I think last year a New Year's resolution I had was to blog at least monthly, and that so didn't happen. Why? I'm busy, yes, but never too busy to idle over Facebook, or read posts from 47-and-counting blogs, or reject recipe after recipe in search of the perfect dark chocolate tart, which then only gets made for some special occasion instead of just because. I wonder if the reason I've been avoiding writing is because I'm worried nothing I have to say is of any value? I generally feel that way about speaking-- who was it that said "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt?" I began living that quote after I read it. And you know what? Many, many times since, someone else in the room at any given number of occasions has said whatever it was I was thinking but not saying, my same opinion or my same idea, and was lauded for it. What did I gain from remaining silent? And how is that quote also affecting my life in terms of not-doing, as well as not-speaking?

2) I know I absolutely love being a mama. I've known since I was a kid myself that I would be someone's wife and someone's mother. I was afraid for a while that I wasn't going to get to be a natural mom, and after my son was born, I learned that was a valid fear since only half of my uterus is functional. I would like to have another child someday, but if that doesn't happen, I also know that Ethan is enough. My heart is filled to bursting with love for this boy, and my head is filled with craft and holiday tradition ideas that are way too old for his four months of age! It's going to kill me to wait a few years to make an advent tree and start doing awesome family things together. I can't wait to go ice-skating and make eggnog and Christmas cookies and a gingerbread house and watch A Charlie Brown Christmas together, to show him how cool it is to volunteer in your community and make people happy. I'm thrilled to agonize over his future birthday parties. I mentally rehearse how to teach him basic math with measuring cups as he "helps" make dinner. At the same time, I know I need to slow down in my head and cherish this precious time with him as an immobile baby. Which time is going to be the last that he wears those cute monkey pajamas? When will be the last time he gives me a sleepy, milk-filled smile before drifting off? I am known for racing ahead in my mind and living in the future when the present is already so delicious. Sloooooooow your roll, Gini!

3) I know my marriage is super solid, and that makes me happy. I also know I'm still really shaken up (inexplicably) over the period of time that it wasn't solid, and that I should probably talk to someone about that. 

4) I know I'm bored with my job. I've been with this company for nine years and have finally advanced to the team I've always held in such high regard-- Anti-Money Laundering. Sound fascinating? Investigating real suspicious activity is pretty interesting and I totally love catching people doing sneaky and bad things. I love writing up a report and sending it to the Financial Center for Economic Crimes. It makes me feel like I'm in a crazy cool movie when I'm really just pushing paper and trying to avoid Facebook. However, much of our daily work has been lost to busywork and really stupid bureaucratic requirements rather than real investigations. I'm a huge believer in loving what you do for a living. I mean, you spend the majority of your time at work! Shouldn't you love it? Who wants to fritter his or her life away doing something unsatisfying? So, as I do whenever I am dissatisfied with my job, I'm dreaming of a business of my own and jotting down ideas. No, I won't tell you what it is because it'd TOTALLY fill a niche market here and that's aaaaallll mine.

5) I know I am so incredibly lucky. I feel like I'm truly living the American Dream-- I have a handsome and considerate husband, a beautiful baby, a grand home, good jobs that pay our bills, let us spend AND let us save, loving family members, wonderful friends. We travel whenever we want. It's like a picture-perfect life that probably millions of people would die to have, including people we've met on our travels. Despite this, I have a tendency to snipe and complain about small discomforts. It bothers me when I catch myself doing this, so I'm going to work on being more mindful and grateful in my personal life. 


What five things do you know today?    


1 comment:

  1. Can't wait to find out what is in store for you business wise!! I agree you should love your work. Will the sacrifices you will have to make for that be worth it? I bet so, but I ask myself that sometimes.

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